We live in a modern world that strives for equality, respect and diversity. In evolutionary terms, however, this clashes with programming that has developed over thousands of years, especially when it comes to our own sexuality. Classical and natural attractiveness characteristics remain relevant, regardless of how society is structured. Thus, despite equal rights and feminism, many women naturally still tend to feel attracted to “alpha men”, although this is condemned by social values. This can trigger a fierce subjective, but also social conflict and create new challenges that we will only have to deal with in modern times. have to deal with.
The Clash of Modern Values and Evolutionary Programming
When the novel Fifty Shades of Grey (*) was published in 2011, no one would have predicted that a book about the relationship between a dominant billionaire and an inexperienced young woman would become a GLOBAL PHENOMENON. But the success was overwhelming: millions of readers devoured the story of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele – a tale of passion, power and submission.
While critics dismissed the work as clichéd or problematic, its success revealed something much more interesting: this fantasy spoke to a deep, universal need that is often suppressed in the modern world. It shows that despite modern values such as equality and feminism, our sexuality is still based on much deeper mechanisms.
Socially and subjectively, this can cause difficulties as often the one and the other do not necessarily harmonize with each other. Feelings such as shame, anger, frustration and identity crises can arise if there is no room for the competing feelings.
Of course, modern values have their place and it is good that we are now at a point where many societies have a respectful and friendly coexistence. However, especially when it comes to such deep and complex mechanisms as sexuality, we as humans are not yet made for the modern world, but for a life in a harsh and brutal nature. Our own nature has ensured that we survive and thrive as a species. And this goes hand in hand with the fact that there are also parts of our genetics that we would label as unattractive in today’s modern society. And this collides on many different levels.
The challenge of equality in a sexual world
On the one hand, there is equality. Modern society tries to see men and women as equal, to treat them equally and to have them perform the same roles. All the social and cultural differences that existed up to that point are to be reduced or completely removed.
And while this makes sense for harmonious and fair coexistence on a desexualized social level, it disregards the fact that we as humans have sexually COMPLEMENTARY ROLES. It is unpleasant but true that intersexual dominance and submissiveness play a central role, as they are essential for pair bonding and reproduction.
In the book “The evolution of desire: strategies of human mating” (*), author Buss describes precisely this phenomenon. Humans are evolutionarily programmed for gender-specific roles. Men as dominant protectors and women as cooperative providers. A study on partner selection in the United States and India on gender and cultural differences also underlines this. It has become clear that dominance and self-confidence are rated attractively by women in men worldwide.
Erotic media aimed at women also show a clear tendency. Erotic books almost exclusively feature a male protagonist who is AT THE TOP. He is dominant, rich and ambitious. This is emphasized in the book “A Billion Wicket Thoughts” (*) by Ogi Olas. Women want A HERO. The protagonist is often a “boss”, a “king” or a “prince”.
Dominance, Testosterone, and Reproductive Success
The values of respect and consensus are also strongly emphasized, especially at the time of Me too. Decisions about intimacy and the relationship are based on voluntariness and equality between the two parties.
In reality, however, this does not always work out so harmoniously. Respect and equality are foreign words on the dating scene. Intrasexually, there is a natural competition for partners. Men are in competition with other men for the most attractive women and women are in competition with other women for the most attractive men. It is not surprising that the dominant parties have to prevail. And at the reproductive level – as already mentioned in the previous paragraph – this dominance is rewarded.
In 1998, the study “Testosterone and dominance in men” by Mazur showed that high social status and dominance directly correlate with testosterone levels and – and this is probably much more important – with reproductive success. The cliché of the “alpha male” that women find incredibly attractive is scientifically proven here.
The article “Why Women Like Bad Boys: The Evolutionary Basis of Female Mate Preferences” also describes how dominant men who assert themselves against others are significantly more attractive to women, especially during ovulation.
Beauty Standards: The Myth of Subjectivity
Attempts are also being made today to create new ideals of beauty. Every person in the liberal, modern scene walks around saying things like: “Everybody is beautiful” and considers themselves beautiful. The narrative is pushed that beauty is something subjective and that there is no objective beauty. Every body is therefore attractive and potentially desirable for everyone, and non-conformity is celebrated.
However, scientific studies show time and time again that there is such thing as OBJECTIVE ATTRACTIVNESS. On the one hand, facial symmetry is seen as something attractive. This was found out in a study by Langlois in 2000, with the reasoning that a symmetrical face is a sign of health.
In addition, numerous studies show that men prefer a hip to waist ratio of approximately 0.7 in women. This also has an evolutionary background since this waist to hip ratio occurs in many women when they are healthy. One study that can be mentioned here is one by Singh. Many men also continue to see youthfulness and fertility as a universal marker of attractiveness for women. The V-shaped upper body of a man is also attractive to many women. In this case, such an upper body is the result of well-trained muscles, which shows that the man is strong and healthy.
Feminism and hypergamy
Feminism in particular also pushes the idea that women should be very self-confident. They should adopt and live classic masculine values such as independence, ambition and self-determination. And – again – this is a GOOD thing socially.
Sexually, however, women are hypergamous. They prefer partners who are stronger, more successful and more socially dominant. In the sexual field, therefore, they almost exclusively choose partners who are seen AT LEAST AS EQUAL in these areas
The study by Buss mentioned in the beginning must also be referred to here, as it clearly and unambiguously shows that women prefer men with a higher status and more resources. And this is true in almost all of the 37 cultures studied!
The study “Sexual Selection and the Mind” published in 2007 underlines this and explains that this phenomenon is based on the fact that women are biologically programmed to gain an evolutionary advantage.
The Paradox of Monogamy and Polygamy
Another aspect where societal values clash with human nature is our extreme understanding of monogamy. Especially through Disney movies and many novels, monogamy is seen as the ideal for couple relationships. There is exactly one partner for every person in this world and once you have found that person, life is good. Long-term, exclusive relationships are the absolute gold standard and it is presented as if there is nothing above it.
Even though this is a much-debated topic, there is also evidence to suggest that we humans may be polygamous by nature. For example, certain characteristics of our bodies indicate that in the past it was common to change partners much more frequently – especially in the sexual anatomy of men. From an evolutionary perspective, it would also help genetic diversity and only favorable genes would be selected.
However, it also appears that there are gender differences in this respect and that women and men have developed different strategies. For example, women are more invested in their offspring and thus also in mate selection and mate retention, while men can maximize their reproductive success by having many female partners.
In purely mathematical terms, this is only logical, as women can only give birth to around one offspring per year, while men could theoretically have several hundred children per year. Trivers demonstrated precisely this phenomenon in his 1972 study “Parental investment and sexual selection”.
However, this phenomenon also seems to persist in polygamous relationships. In 2009, Alvergne showed that men in polygamous relationships were primarily interested in a variety of partners, while women sought to gain status advantages with men through polygamous relationships.
The Impact of Deconstructed Gender Roles on Attraction
Nowadays, traditionally feminine qualities such as empathy and vulnerability are also expected of men, not only on a social level, but also on a romantic one. Emotional openness and vulnerability is seen as a strength, especially in relationships. Together with the fact that women are becoming more and more traditionally masculine, the polarity necessary for romantic and sexual interest is becoming less and less. Traditional gender roles are being deconstructed and hardly ever lived out.
However, men who are perceived as strong and unshakeable are still MORE ATTRACTIVE to women. This is because this physical strength is associated with protection and security. In their 2013 study “Aging Perceptions and Muscle Strength in Males”, Hill et al. showed that physical strength correlates directly with perceived attractiveness. Historically, hunters and warriors were therefore the preferred partners for women, as they were physically strong and successful in acquiring resources.
However, the conclusion that the ultimate sexual female fantasy therefore might be a stoic, cold man is false. In the previously mentioned book “A Billion Wicked Thoughts”, the authors show that a major factor of the male protagonist of erotic novels was that he was emotionally vulnerable with the female protagonist. The fact that he was affectionate towards her – AND ONLY TOWARDS HER – is what makes him desirable. For this to work the man still needs to be able to assert himself towards others though.
Sexual Freedom and Its Consequences
Sexual freedom contradicts the emphasis on monogamy but is nevertheless a modern value. Women in particular are repeatedly told that they should and may now be sexually active without this ever having any repercussions or being judged by society. But even this is just an attempt to motivate modern women towards a more masculine tendency. Many women are pressured into this since they are instinctively more selective in their choice of partner and naturally prefer long-term partners. This is also shown in a study by Schmitt (2005) entitled “Sociosexuality from Argentina to Zimbabwe”, which clearly shows that women across cultures prefer long-term partners with resources. It also showed that it is more in the nature of men to be promiscuous and to have many and changing partners.
Secondly, this messes up the dating pool in multiple ways. Since many women find similar attributes attractive, but very few men have multiple of these attributes (height, wealth, intelligence, looks, strength,…) only a small proportion (10%) of men are desired and sexually rewarded by many women. Statistics from dating apps like Tinder have shown this time and time again. These men act according to their nature (see Clark 1989) and very much likely to respond to these sexual offers, but are not interested in these women long term. For these women, however, having these men – be it only for one night – sets a standard of “the kind of man they can have” that cannot be met by 90% of other men. Often, however, these women are nothing more than a one-night stand for the “10% men”. What you end up now is a HUGE proportion of sexually frustrated men (the other “90%”), a HUGE proportion of romantically frustrated women (who were attracted to the 10% men for one night and are now wondering why they can’t find a great long-term partner) and a very small proportion of happy people.
Conclusion: Thriving in a Complex Dating World
So what do you do with such a strong discrepancy?
First of all, it is important to recognize this conflict as a conflict. It is not about condemning something or seeing something as morally reprehensible. Our instincts are not “right” or “wrong”, they are the way they are and that is evolutionary.
Modern values also have their justification. Only through the progress we have made as a society can fairness, respect and cooperation be promoted in an increasingly complex society.
However, you have to always keep in mind that these values can get in your way when choosing a partner and in the dating scene the person who has recognized this is always one step ahead of you.
Understanding how you and others are deeply evolutionarily rooted and how our biological mechanisms still influence our behavior and thinking can help you better understand yourself and others.
Living with this contradiction and getting the best out of “both worlds” is certainly a good first step and the key to a successful life.
It should´ve also become obvious how COMPETITIVE the modern dating field really is. Whereas a few hundred years ago, each person had a few less potential partners to choose from, the modern world has opened the doors to thousands of potential partners. The interconnectedness of our world, social media and online dating all has the effect that you can meet a lot of people very quickly. So whereas a few hundred years ago the competition was manageable, today the competition is BRUTAL. If you want to have a chance in this field, you have to work on yourself. Developing yourself into a better version every day – physically, mentally and emotionally – in order to become biologically and romantically more attractive. Understanding why you are attracted to certain things and why you act the way you do in certain situations can be explained by these things. However, it must always be remembered that true men live strength and dominance hand in hand with respect and fairness. Because at the end of the day, we have instincts and an evolution, but we must NOT LET IT CONTROL OUR BEHAVIOUR. Understand yourself and others better, take advantage of what you can and still remain a good man.
Hope I could help. If you enjoyed the article or if you have any questions or comments please let me know down below.
Nick
